


I'm not sorry

by bouncycastle



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Odyssey AU, a more emotional side to jinx, both of them still idiots sorry, guess who's back in the tag with a brand new track, odyssey Kayn - Freeform, odyssey jinx, odyssey malphite, odyssey skinline, odyssey yasuo, part of the odyssey extended universe that only exists in my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23352862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bouncycastle/pseuds/bouncycastle
Summary: does it feel like we started at the end of a story?
Relationships: Jinx/Shieda Kayn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	1. clouds

Jinx was floating.

Not literally, though for the moment there was nothing in this galaxy that could convince her otherwise with everything around her fluffy and ethereal and soft and nice to touch. So she kept floating around the room as if clouds were carrying her when really she was bouncing around excitedly like a sheep trying to skip the fence, but an exceptionally clumsy sheep, because everyone around it is spinning and knocking it down. 

The clouds kept disappearing at random times, so she was continuously making friends with the floor and laughing at it, then getting up too fast and crashing against the nearest wall. But the walls were inviting and friendly and oh so loving to her, so she pressed her body hard against the surface as if she could melt into them. Felt like a warm hug to her dazed, floating, drugged out brain. More than that. Like the color pink exploding in her heart, mixed with the taste of iron on her tongue.  _ That's _ how much she knew the walls loved her. Much more than the icy floor that was afraid of commitment and never answered when she asked questions, no matter how sweet she whispered and no matter how hard the man present in the room stared at the blossoming love affair between the cold tiles and the fiery girl, but nothing could  _ ever _ triumph over how much the soft sheets and pillows and blankets of said man's bed could ever adore her tiny, skinny frame and wrap her up in the most glowing, soft and caring gesture of being held anyway. As if angels kissed her skin when she laid in it. As if it never wanted to let her go. Just love, pure bliss. Just her, the sheets, and some looooong nights of privacy were all she needed.

Oh, yes, and Kayn usually was also there. It was  _ his _ bed after all. 

While he himself also used his fingertips and arms and legs and claws and sweet sweet words to get her to open up her skin and energy and mouth and legs to him, and while it made her heart and core explode hard and loud to the color of blood so deeply red it was almost black and took her breath away with every sting that tore her open, she seriously considered confessing that he was simply the mistress and she  _ really _ only came back for her real obsession, the bed. Oh, yes, the sweet, lovely, seductive dreambo-… bed, and the goods. 

For some reason, she yearned for it, so she impulsively launched herself into the vague direction of said bed with a loud "Incoming!" yell, as a threat and a warning. Jinx landed directly on the Ordinal's chest who gave a surprised groan and caught her by the hips, causing her to squeal and stretch out in his grip, her hands curled up in tiny fists in front of her chest as she wiggled around and broke out in a huge grin. 

"Stop wiggling. Stop wiggling!"

"Nooooooo! Never! You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real mom-"

He squeezed her sides in sudden attack exploiting that he'd long found out her fatal flaw, that she was ticklish, and so she broke out in heavy laughter, only causing her to wiggle harder.

"I said stop wiggling, fool."

The girl responded with more laughter. 

Kayn viciously kept going until she was out of breath and then a little, a few tears of joy running down her face. Eventually, he let her go and she heaved hard, rubbing her eyes with a big grin.

His beautiful and big and hunky and perfect body never really let him get as high as she did, partially due to a carefully cultivated long-term resistance that made the effects lessen a bit, but somewhere in his deep and dark but beating stone heart if so inclined he could probably find the nerve to admit she was cute when she bounced and bounced and just wouldn't stop bothering him. Even though she had just disturbed his peaceful moment of floating around all by himself, just sprawled out on his bed, like he was swimming in the ocean and simply letting the water take him, he enjoyed watching her tire herself out before he even had to lift a finger. She was the wave of salty ocean that leaked into his mouth and made him cough. 

At least that's what she convinced herself he was definitely thinking as she grinned down at him, green eyes open wide and round, her elbows now propped up on the bed and her face much closer to his. He snarled in feigned annoyance and she giggled because she saw the corners of his mouth twitch and began poking his cheeks, too far gone to care, as if she ever had. Simply too comfortable to stretch out on him. 

Someday, he'd have to kill her, since she was still part of the Morning Star crew, making them mortal enemies (nothing more) and the game they played essentially treason. It was her against her crew and him against the Empire, and his own goals in a way. But treason and regicide was already what he was planning, so really he found it was mostly her loss.  _ If  _ she didn't kill him first, but he wouldn't let that happen. Of course not. That's what Rhaast was for. He'd come back and kick her ass double. 

Someday would be someday very, very soon. 

_ She _ didn't know that yet and  _ he _ had yet to come up with a failsafe plot on how to get her from coming back to his ship without revealing his plans because, much like vermin, that's what she kept doing and she'd proven to be especially… unsquishable.

Roughly one and a half years of dancing with death for them. 

Maybe he'd miss her. 

On second thought, probably not. 

Absolutely not.

Jinx felt his hands run down her exposed midriff and she gasped quietly before grinning even wider, his nails leaving red trails on her pale skin as her own hands pressed against his face, looking extremely tiny. She leaned in heavily, eyes somehow becoming rounder and more alert as she glanced down at his lips, but then simply sighed dreamily and rolled off him, finally engulfed by the lovely bed she'd originally came to jump into and at peace. He huffed and wrapped an arm around her tightly, pressing her close to him as she put her head down on his chest instead. Her heart felt like an odd shade of red, but she could hear both hers and his beating. Like they were being taunted for being alive and the stars had the audacity to watch and play judge. 

"You knooooow, dreamboat, I think you're actually just a very, very adorable puppy in disguise", she whispered to him, suddenly and very diplomatically.

".......... what."

"It's clear. You have the fluffy fur..."

As she said this, she lifted her head and put one of her hands into his hair, looking amazed with near childlike wonder at how soft it happened to be. He nodded slowly, unsure of what to do with it and decided to just let it happen. 

"... aaand the pointy eaaaars..."

She ran her fingers down his head to one of his ears, to which he gave a rumbling noise because his ears weren't pointy at all. Then she trailed her fingertips with gentle touch across his face to his lips, sliding her pointer finger into his mouth and pressing down onto his teeth until they drew blood.

"... uh, I meant the pointy fangs, duh."

He let her do it, and he carefully watched as she lifted her body even more to drag her hands across his dark skin to feel his chest and shoulders, followed by his abs. 

He even smiled, just the tiniest bit.

"And just  **look** at how well you're built, good boy! You even come with the tail-"

With that, he smirked darkly at her and grabbed the hand that was wandering down between his legs into his pants by the wrist and shook it around. 

"Careful with that, little girl", he scolded. "Maybe I am actually the big bad  _ wolf _ , and  _ you’re _ little red riding hood.”

Kayn chuckled, making the nicest sound Jinx had heard all day, and she locked eyes with him, something unknown glimmering in them, both of the pair smirking wide. 

"Mhm. You're the wolf and I'm the little lamb. But this lamb’s gonna kill ya first when she has to. They cut the big baddie open, remember?"

"Would just  _ loooove _ to see you try and stuff me with stones, Jinxie."

With that, he lunged forward to push her around so he could be on top of her, his mouth and teeth locking in with her throat, biting down hard enough to break the skin. Jinx had no time to react, so she broke out in hard, loud giggles and gasps again, writhing under him and wrapping her arms around the body that was so much heavier and bigger than she was. 


	2. i'm not sorry

Of course, she woke up eventually, like she did nearly every other day. Evidently, the bed hadn't taken her down with it yet, but it was already kissing the pulsating bruises on her body better and the pillows were massaging her temples with angelic, practiced movements that truly made the hangover worth it. Despite these heroic attempts at treating her like the princess that she was, Jinx noticed it wasn't  _ Kayn  _ doing any of these things (like you have any kind of entitlement to that, little girl), because Kayn wasn't lying next to her complaining about having to breathe for one more day but instead was missing in action, and because she and Kayn were enemies who hated each other.

She pouted at no one in particular, intentionally missing the walls' judgemental gaze, and grumbled dramatically, like she actually cared (hah!), before lifting up the blanket she was wrapped up in and noticing her clothes peaceful and undisturbed… if peaceful and undisturbed stood for "absent and not-on-Jinx'-body-where-she-sometimes-liked-them".

"Aw, man."

The part of Jinx' conscience that was still active and able to get through to her sometimes (and looked suspiciously like a tiny, fuzzy Ziggs) was telling her it was about high tide to go on home and make up another convincing lie about how and why it was perfectly fine for her to be missing for, like, three days so the Morning Star was stranded without it's pilot, and for some reason she felt a tugging in her now transparent and pastel blue heart. She elected to ignore it. 

However, the Ziggs-shaped tiny conscience was also telling her that no lie would ever be convincing to Yasuo or anyone if she showed up ass naked. Usually, she wouldn't mind walking down the halls wearing nothing but a smile, but for once she had to agree with the fuzzball. 

With an annoyed groan, she quickly rolled over to the other side of the bed to look for her clothes, but her head was instantly overtook by a loud ringing that blended out every other sensation. She fell back and gave an even louder groan, this time in pain. 

_Fuck_ _drugs actually_ , she told herself. _Fuck me. From now on, I will be straight edge._

The voices laughed at her. 

The world felt like a merry-go-round and no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't find any of her clothes, so she gave up and fell back onto the sheets, resulting in another flash of hurt.

Even if she complained, she didn't really mind. It reminded her she was alive, somehow, despite everything. The hurt felt like bright yellow. 

After a moment of heavy breathing and muttered curses, she slowly sat back up again and hugged her knees to her chest, facing the door to wait for Kayn so she could demand the release of the hostages (her pants) he was surely holding. Her eyes kept falling back shut, but she did her best at staying awake for his return, and after a little bit of quiet thoughts that involved an elaborate plan for Malphite's next birthday party her headache began to fade into a dull throbbing. 

"Look who's finally awake."

She flinched at the mocking voice and opened her eyes quickly, forgetting her choice of wrapping paper already, before turning and smiling tiredly at the culprit who had just emerged from the wall she wasn't facing. Judging from his wet hair and his attire consisting of what was commonly referred to as 'towel' in professional circles, he'd just finished showering. He did bring a clean smell with him. A pretty sight to behold. It made her heart beat faster.

She leaned into his direction and squinted at him with a sly smirk. 

"There he is. Hands up before I shoot, dreamboat."

"And already volatile. How brave for a naked woman. What's it this time?"

"I demand for you to release the hostages."

He raised an eyebrow and walked over to his wardrobe. Jinx shifted on the bed to follow his movements, tugging at her own long braids. 

"Hmm... my lawyer has warned me you would say that and advised me not to engage further", he replied after a moment with a smug tone to his voice. 

"Your lawyer?" 

"Yeah, Mister R. Scythe."

She bit her lips and widened her eyes playfully.

"Oh no", she breathed dramatically. 

"Not Mister Scythe. His methods are ruthless, he's gonna slice me in half!"

Kayn chuckled as he pulled his shirt over his head. His expression changed as he noticed she was still staring at him expectantly.

"What  _ is _ it, Jinx?" 

"The hostages must be-" 

"What do you want."

They both sighed. 

"I want my clothes back, Kayn, and I  _ will _ fight you for them."

He simply pointed at the foot of the bed.

"They're right there. I didn't steal them."

She ignored his cold tone and flashed a grin.

"How gracious of you, Mister Ordinal Sir. We will never forget your kindness."

Jinx had meant to be funny, but she couldn't help mixing a little mocking undertone into it. Something was wrong, and she felt pushed to be defensive and on guard, even though she didn't want to. Really, she hated it, it made her feel grey inside. To be aware of it made her feel grey inside. Lucky for her, the Ordinal in question conveniently didn't hear it as she leaned down to grab her things and got dressed in silence. 

The atmosphere was considerably more tense than it had been the night before, and it served as an unwanted reminder to Jinx that the two of them weren't actually friends. Somewhere along the way she'd grown comfortable to be alone around him, even vulnerable (because drugs do that to you, not trust, never trust). Countless nights of gossip about her crew, scandalous intimate… cuddles and even gifts (her eyes fell upon a pile of cool rocks on his desk, Kayn must've finally found them after she kept hiding them around his room though it didn't seem to be all of them, and the underwear she was now wearing had been carefully hand-picked by him) nearly made her forget they didn't like each other. She  _ knew _ , of course she knew, but she didn't like when he had to remind her of it by being icy after a night of letting her pepper him with kisses and nearly tearing her apart. Really, Jinx was more than content pretending they were besties as long as they were in the same room. She preferred coming undone in her own bed where the despair felt familiar. However, if Kayn insisted on being himself, she had to play along. He had a right to act like he did and she had none to ask him to change, and she respected it. 

Somehow, though, the atmosphere felt even more final than usual. Of course she usually treated every visit like it could be her last (even if she yelled "see ya soon, handsome!" or some variety into his ear instead of 'goodbye' every time) but this time… it was different. Like there was a predator in the waters. Air so thick you could cut it with a knife, even something about his demeanor was off. 

Somehow, she could tell this would really be one of the last times she'd see him outside of the battlefield. And she hated it. 

Jinx elected to ignore it. She could, and should, finally say goodbye and just leave and hope he stayed out of her way, but instead she sighed quietly and turned her head into his direction. Kayn was now sitting hunched over at his desk, looking strained and tired for some reason. Something tugged hard in her chest as she tried to make out what he was working on to no avail. He was holding his head in his hands, so maybe it was taxes or something equally as adult and confusing to her. The things he talked about, while fun to listen to, usually were out of her league. It wasn't that she wasn't smart enough to understand them, it was that she didn't like thinking. She watched his shoulders rise and fall some more. For some reason she felt incredibly touched that he felt like he could show her his back. 

Maybe she was a silly little girl, and it'd take much much longer before she'd admit it to herself, but she really did like him. Maybe she did see something else in him that was cool and that wasn't just the violence she was so attracted to, she wasn't sure, but she knew even Fishbones would tell her off if she didn't somehow try showing him she liked him by trying to diffuse this situation she didn't fully understand. You don't  _ have _ to show a beautiful and psychotic assassin you like them when you're just as crazy and bloodthirsty, because being around each other without murder spoke more than any word of action… but she wanted to. 

After she finished nervously tugging some more at her ginger braids, she got up and walked over to Kayn who was still hunched over, being distant and stuff. 

"Kayn, I really have to get going", she said quietly, sounding younger than usual. It confused her. 

"Oh", he replied simply as she stood next to him. He seemed lost in thoughts.

Their height difference of a bit more than a foot meant she didn't have to bend down for her next move as she put her arms around his upper body to pull him into a close hug. She tried to put nice energies in it, like it could explain things she didn't have words for or pre-emptively apologize for killing him when the time came, for some reason she felt it was appropriate. For a moment this seemed to be the case, as he untensed she even squeezed a bit, but then he shoved his elbow into her ribcage, forcing her to let go. She exhaled sharply and stared for a moment. 

"Well, better get a good look in then." Pause, as he didn't.

"Bye, Kayn. Bye."

Jinx stepped away hastily to move towards and through the door, but before she could, she heard Kayn get up and seconds later he had her shoved against the wall, his hands around her upper arms.

"...hi", she breathed, a little dazed, and stared at him with a confused smile.

"Got something for you, Jinx."

He let go of one of her arms to rummage through his pockets, which she watched attentively. A few seconds later, his hands re-emerged with a little bag of small grinded, white diamond dust. Her eyes widened as he dangled it in front of her face and she opened her mouth to say something, like that he'd never offered her take-away before, but he cut her off before she could. 

He squeezed her arm, it was the one made of metal, and she stared even harder at him as he forced the bag into her flesh hand, still hurt and nervous from his earlier behaviour but visibly excited.

"So is this to kickstart my addiction ooor-" 

He broke the eye contact for a moment and muttered under his breath. 

"Like you aren't already." Then he came back to look at her face, bringing his lips close to her ear and lowering his voice to a whisper. 

"Every grain of this is worth more than the bounty on your pretty little head… and if you're smart about it, I'm sure you'll figure out how to make more. "

Her eyes grew bigger and rounder as she nodded, being essentially blown away by the gust of wind he'd just thrown at her. 

_ He knew how high her bounty was? He'd  _ researched  _ her?  _

" _ This  _ is for kickstarting your addiction."

And with that, he forced another bag into her hand, which he now squeezed shut. She could simply exhale and nod again and bit her lips.

"And, Jinxie? Maybe you shouldn't come around for a while… a little birdie has told me my security personnel are to be especially… on guard for the next while."

He held her eye contact hard to be sure she understood. She did. She wasn't welcome anymore, not for a good amount of time. So she'd been right. With determination, she crashed her lips into his face so she wouldn't have to say goodbye or thank you, and he returned it. Then he let her go and turned away. 

Jinx turned into the opposite direction, stuffing the packets into her pockets, and took a few steps towards the door but before she could even think about laying her hands on the handle, Kayn grabbed her metal wrist and pulled her back, swinging her to face him before he crashed her into the wall again, his hands pressed against them next to her face. She wiggled between them, but was too surprised to step away under them. 

"Wh-" 

"Don't go."

It felt like a pure knockout and she was convinced she must've misheard, but then he continued and there was something in the way he avoided holding her eye contact and didn't seem to have rehearsed his lines to perfection, instead sputtering as they came, that made her believe him. He sounded like he was just as surprised.

"...what?"

"There's -  _ things  _ \- going to happen. You… you know what I'm talking about, and then a bit. It's all going to happen very, very soon."

She listened to him, and blinked at him. She wasn't entirely convinced yet, but she was listening. He'd never acted like this before.

"Look, you're involved anyway, whether you're here or on the Morning Star. We're both in too deep. But - you - we - we have… fun together, yes? Think of the fun we could have if we… fully combined forces. Jinx, I'm everything you wanted and more. Stay with me." 

There it was. The magic word. Fun. They did have fun. She relaxed against the wall, just a little, he  _ was _ right. The whole charade was starting to tire her and most of the time she didn't care much about the other's reaction anymore. Things had gotten incredibly tense since Yasuo nearly uncovered her secret.

Jinx was genuinely considering staying, but she hesitated in answering and only gave a slight nod and a indecisive lip bite as she squirmed hard. Kayn seemed serious. Nearly pleading. Maybe he did care a little bit.

Jinx thought about Sona's little face when she woke up crying from nightmares, in need of hugs or a girl to sleep next to her because when she wanted to be, Jinx could be calm and understanding and protective, and Yasuo was still a man. She thought about Malphite carrying her to bed when she passed out at her work bench again (in shifts with Yasuo, "Jinx Duty", they called it) and she thought about the type of cake she was going to bake for him next year, it was going to have cherries on top because Malphite loved cherries. Then she thought about how Yasuo told her he knew she'd make the right choice in the end. He'd always been suspicious, he knew she was seeing someone who wasn't entirely a good choice to be seeing, but he didn't know it was  _ Ordinal Kayn  _ himself, despite her obvious crush _.  _ Even though they bickered and her reckless personality annoyed him, he still believed in her, and even though she hated when he made her have breakfast she had to admit that she secretly appreciated it. 

Jinx really loved her friends. She did. She did. 

Then something washed over her she hadn't felt in forever. Or  _ ever.  _ Definitely not since she let that little girl get hurt and it was all her fault.

She thought about Malphite and how she treated him like her personal pack mule and made fun of his insecurities, like that his dreams of being a doctor were as crushed as his enemies… when it was  _ her _ fault he'd lost his chances at it and gained a terrible temper instead. She thought about the time she made Yasuo touch her out of sheer loneliness because she wouldn't let him look at and take care of her bruises and scars any other way, when he had the oddest crush on her so it was just cruel, and then mocked him for having his mind elsewhere when she was lying under him with open wounds and, mind, had  _ just _ returned from Kayn's ship anyway. 

And Sona. Jinx was fucking the man who was planning to use her for terrible things, who'd hurt her before, all while she was holding her through the bad nights and promising she'd get her revenge… together, as a team.

Jinx realized she felt guilty, but she didn't know if it was because she didn't feel bad or the bad didn't hit hard enough or because she actually felt bad about it all or because of how often she'd risked it all for another chance to see Kayn's face and that she'd do it again. The guilt made her feel gross. She hated feeling gross, or guilty. She hated saying sorry. She'd take it all and put it in a pocket in her heart where she couldn't touch it. Where it couldn't touch her. 

Kayn appeared a little shaky, her thoughts must've been running through her eyes like a movie. He was even sweating a little. Time dragged on like gum stuck to the underside of a table. 

The girl inhaled sharply, ready to answer. 

"Jinx, I could keep you  _ safe _ ."

It wasn't her who said it even though she had her mouth wide open ready to say  _ Yes, I'll stay _ , it was him, and her blood ran cold. He immediately realized his mistake and looked near desperate.

"No, Jinx, I -"

She got her face near his and snarled, low and full of insulted pride.

"Well if  _ you _ think  _ I _ need safekeeping, Ordinal, you never deserved me anyway."

She stared into his eyes, immediate regret in his and hers, but it was too late to take back. Jinx swallowed it. They both did. They all did. She glanced at his lips, but didn't dare. Someone inside her was screaming at her to do it. 

His hands slid off the walls and she immediately darted off through the door down the halls, and she knew she was incredibly lucky and special to still have her head  _ and _ be breathing.


	3. coming home

Jinx let her travel capsule hover near the Morning Star for nearly an hour without docking on, before Yasuo called her comm, which she reluctantly picked up with shaky hands.

"Jinx, what are you doing?", he asked dryly, like he'd been definitely watching her hover and knew what she was doing. Stalling the shit out of a confrontation.  
"I'm… I'm scouting. For. Vulture. Mhm."  
"In space. For an hour."  
"You know, the tentacle-y kind?", she said and let out a nervous giggle, not sure what she was talking about herself but drawing a reference to the time a giant tentacle monster ate her camera after Yasuo had thrown it out of the trash chute. Really, she just needed more time.  
No matter how hard she'd tried, she couldn't come up with a believable excuse, not this time. The last time she'd stayed longer at Kayn's, she had flat out admitted she'd been getting laid and really, really lit, which wasn't a lie, but she wasn't sure if a second time would cut it. The time before she'd claimed to have gotten caught up in a space storm and hoped Yasuo wouldn't check the weather report (if he did, he never called her out on it), and before that she didn't need an excuse at all because nobody asked, and before that-  
"...six days - Jinx, are you even listening?"   
Shit. Nearly a week.   
"YUP. Totally. You're talking about dinner plans and the groceries I gotta grab, like, immediately, for the next six days."  
She heard Malphite growl and move away in the background. Jinx swallowed. The big guy must be so disappointed. She found herself wondering why he was best friends with someone who was so obviously a psychopath.  
"Just… come in. Your tank must be running low anyway." The call ended.   
Jinx checked, and it was.

After docking and entering, she made a very slow walk of shame into the Morning Star lobby, where she found Yasuo standing looking stern with his arms crossed, Space Lizard on his shoulder, and Sona looking sleepy on the bright red sofa. Malphite was nowhere to be seen. Jinx suddenly realized she had no idea what time it actually was, being drugged out at Kayn's place had left her cycadian rythm entirely messed up. Somehow she'd glanced over the clock on her comm and forgotten immediately, but Sona's nightgown and worried face told her everything she needed to know.

To avoid having to face the music, she looked down at her own clothes, becoming painfully aware it wasn't just the underwear Kayn had picked and that the only thing that was hers was her jacket, her own stuff was in the bag she'd… shit.   
Forgotten at Kayn's, and now would never get back. Sona and Yasuo knew she didn't own this stuff before, and they knew it was extremely out of her price class, so they either suspected a lover's attention or a successful heist, but knowing that Yasuo was already hot on her trail and that they'd agreed to no longer go out of their way to raise her bounty meant they were definitely questioning her sex life now. Suddenly, the fact that she'd been with Yasuo, kissed Sona before (because she looked like she needed a soft touch, was all) and annoyed Malphite relentlessly with lewd stories became funny to her, but for once in her life she managed to stifle the laughter. 

Did it make her a terrible person to be relieved she'd left her favorite blue crop top, the one with the skull, at home this week? Was it worse that she liked how the black and red color scheme looked on her and how tight the custom belts and holsters wrapped around her waist and thighs? The way the little top hugged her body? Or that she felt a ping of whatever knowing that at least she'd have something to remember him by, and a bit of something else at that she never really thanked him? 

Either way, she continued refusing to look at her Captain as he walked towards her, still awkwardly placed in the doorway. At least she knew she didn't smell terribly, having only received the outfit a day prior and showered just before (like that was the biggest of her worries). A flash of Kayn catching her before she split her skull on his bathroom tiles. A flash of Yasuo picking her up after she'd passed out in the shower. She'd dream of memories tonight. 

Yasuo didn't start out explicitly wanting to be a leader or Captain even though he was hiring, but the last nearly two years since his brother's murder, pinned on him by you know who and having to keep this ragtag crew together made him… tough. When Jinx produced her video trying to recruit new members (that only Sona really ended up watching and inevitably agreeing to, lucky for them still mostly convinced the universe should probably still be saved) she'd described him as someone who can't be phased by anything, and she'd genuinely meant it and if asked would still vouch for it, but now he took less bullshit. He'd learned what it meant to lead a rebellion, make connections, essentially what it meant to take responsibility. It roughed him up, it roughed them all up, but she could tell he was at the end of his rope, especially with her. He was angrier lately. Not as short-fused as Malphite was, no, but grief and frustrations had obviously pent up. That, and he reached for the bottle more and more. Sometimes, the rest of them would join in. They all let him have it. (Why couldn't he let her have Kayn? Just one damn thing. Especially if the thing would die soon anyway, the booze wouldn't run anywhere. Shush, Jinx. Shush.)

The taller man stopped a few feet away from her, seeming more disappointed than angry. His distance signaled to Jinx that she didn't have to worry about any kind of punishment, at least not yet, but that she'd clearly crossed this line one times too many and something would follow. She looked down at her feet, then finally up to his face with a frown but avoiding eye contact as he began to speak. She hated when he made her feel like she was a child he'd just scolded but wanted to make sure it knew he didn't hate it, she wasn't fragile. He expected her to rebel, and normally she would, but… 

"Jinx, where have you been?", he asked, more than just… grumpy. Pissed. She flinched, she actually flinched. When had she grown so damn soft?  
"I'm putting you in lockdown for a week. If it weren't for your bounty, we would've sent space cops-"   
She suddenly threw her arms around him and squeezed him hard. It caught him by surprise. It caught her by surprise. She'd done it faster than she could think.   
Telling Jinx of all people that he nearly sent them pigs after her was something that should've earned him a grenade, not a hug, but after he'd regained his balance from stumbling back a few feet, she grabbed his hands and got on her tiptoes to bring her face close to his. He stared dumb-founded, but she smiled wide burning with a sudden inner decision to be a better friend as she missed his face and brought her lips near his ears. 

"I'm here now. And I… I made the right decision."   
She squeezed his hands as she came back to hold his eye contact.   
"I'm making it right now, Yas. Thank… you, for believing in me."  
It was the first time she'd thanked him for anything and was being sincere and open about it. In a way, it felt nice, but she'd decide if she liked the way the words tasted later on. She looked up at him softly, the way you looked at a very, very close friend. Family, yes. He squeezed her hands back, looking like he couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Jinx decided if anyone tried to fuck with her crew, they'd be fucking with her. Of course, she'd made that decision way, way, earlier already - but she decided again, like a renewal. 

Then she let go, leaving him stranded because if she'd held on even a second longer she felt like she'd start crying and telling him to not go merciful on her. It was all uncharted territory for her.   
The pilot turned to face a curled up Sona who was watching them with a gentle and confused, but oddly understanding expression. Jinx felt something tug in her heart that was now devoid of color, maybe deep blue at best, and she knew it was her newfound ability to experience guilt and regret activated upon seeing the Templar look so vulnerable.   
She actually really liked the younger girl, she was so sweet despite everything she'd been through (a flash of Sona playing a lullaby for her after an episode of flashbacks zapped through her mind, then one of her braiding Sona's long hair, more to dream about) and she almost couldn't believe she nearly gave herself to a man she didn't hold any feelings for and who likely only held extensive torture in mind for her friend. Except she could absolutely believe herself.  
You wanted it, even if only for a moment, Jinx, don't forget it (do you regret it?). 

Besides, Sona spoke to Ora and it communicated with her. Kayn's blood stream must've damn near been replaced with Ora at this point, not just his blood, really, maybe his other bodily fluids too, and their relations meant those fluids were exchanged, so Ora would be inside her, and - Sona might already know. Jinx hoped she didn't with all her might. She'd act differently, right?   
Stop thinking about Kayn, Jinx. 

Before she could keep on thinking about it too much or before Yasuo could say something, Jinx darted off to the sofa and wrapped Sona up in a big, tight hug. The younger but taller girl tensed up in surprise first, like she did everytime Jinx hugged her, then leaned into her and pat her back as Jinx squeezed her tight until she had to gasp.   
After breaking the hug, she put her hands on Sona's shoulders and looked her deep into the eyes. Sona had always stayed sweet, taking care of everyone when they needed it. The girl made the best tea for them all, played great music and all she asked for besides the obvious fight for the universe were friends. Despite everything, everything that she'd gone through, Sona had always stayed sweet.  
Jinx had just become unhinged, because of it all.

"I hope you have the bestest, most pleasant dreams tonight. You deserve them so, so, much, Sona. You're a good kid", she said, quietly and uncharacteristically earnestly. It felt like an important moment.   
They smiled at each other, oddly shy, even though the quiet girl was clearly a bit overwhelmed by the sudden attention she was receiving from the explodey one. Then they hugged again, squeezing, and Jinx turned around to Yasuo, who'd quietly walked up to them, arms still wrapped around Sona. 

"Is Malph in bed?", she asked quietly.  
"Just went. We still need to talk about-"

Jinx nodded, and jumped up, having all the information she needed. She'd see him first thing in the morning. Make him the pancakes he loved so much, maybe. Make him feel appreciated, appreciated really, really well. They'd all thank her and hug her and they could all be best friends again and no one would have to feel bad.   
She sprinted to her room and locked the door before Yasuo could come for her. Luckily, he left her alone for the night. 

Lying down, she buried her face in her pillow. Her chest vibrated strangely.   
She hadn't noticed she'd been sobbing, and she didn't know when she'd started.


	4. interlude 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: discussion of menstruation, eating disorders

The next morning, she noticed blood between her legs as she showered.  _ Great _ , she thought as Sona held her hair out of her face and rubbed her back as the abdominal pain made her vomit up all the pancakes she'd eaten with her friends just a bit ago.  _ Now Kayn and I can start a family. _

She both sobbed and giggled hysterically. It was his fault, too. The drugs made her eat and gain so much her body could support this hell again. 

Sona held her as Malphite and Yasuo kept their respectful distances.

Yasuo commented she did look healthier after she stopped crying, but it only made her break out in sobs again. Somehow, she didn't mind crying in front of her friends anymore. She let him hold her. 

First time in 4 years. The blood, not the tears (it only lasted a few days and then didn't come back for a long, long,  _ long _ time, but it still felt like divine punishment). 


	5. transitions

Jinx barely remembered anything of the following week. She kept losing time, blacking out, full days sometimes. Little did Yasuo know the lockdown he'd set in place to organize everything didn't actually bother her, she had nowhere to go anyway, and she  _ knew _ she had to stick around now in case they had to move or quickly. Everything was ramping up for the grande finale. It had happened so fast, after years of build up. 

They tried watching the news together, but she couldn't focus. Kayn had done  _ something,  _ but the second his face appeared on the screen she got pushed back inside her head to the nicest, coziest, most  _ her _ room that she could ever wish to escape to (a beach, waves, the sun), and she didn't dare ask what had happened when she returned to reality for risk of seeming like she didn't care or take the situation seriously enough. 

Whatever he did, it must've been whatever he was trying to keep her safe from. Everytime she found herself sprawled out on the sofa reading something she didn't enjoy or seated by the table eating something she couldn't stand, everytime she found her face shoved into the little things she stole from him like a shirt, pens, loose change,  _ pillow cases _ , she found herself angrier, too. 

Something deep inside her was on fire. Hurting. She wanted to kill him. Badly. Everyone was saying Yasuo would be the one to end it, but she  _ wanted _ the kill. She wanted it to be  _ her _ . She felt she deserved it, even if no one would understand and talking about the  _ why _ would mean they'd stone her before she had any chance to run away. 

They wouldn't understand, but he'd hurt her. He'd  _ hurt  _ her, she deserved to hurt him back. Like everyone else she'd gotten back to. 

He hurt her. She was hurting. 

He hurt her. Because of him. 

(But  _ had _ he? Wasn't he just trying to keep you protected? 

Fuck. 

Run. Kill. Hide. Stop, quiet,  _ please. _ )


	6. interlude 2

Sona was scared. It was apparent in her jittery movements and the tremble of her lips, in the way she nervously followed Jinx' instructions. Jinx rubbed her back with one hand to calm her down, though it wasn't working. Somewhere along the way she'd gathered that today was the day they were going to face Kayn and end it once and for all. 

They were leaving Sona back on the Morning Star, where she'd be waiting for their return. If they didn't come back or contact her within a set time frame, she was to engage the ship’s self destruction mechanism, resulting in her death and Emperor Kayn's loss of hope to opening the Ora Gate. It was these mechanisms she was instructing her on using. She had built them in herself, first thing after signing up as a crew member.

Jinx thought a bit of self sacrifice wasn't so bad, but she liked Sona and understood her fear of dying though she didn't share it. It wouldn't happen, though. They were stronger than him. Better. They were. They were better, better than-

Emperor Kayn. 

Emperor Kayn, Ordinal no more. He'd taken the title by force, Jarvan wasn't so old that he'd just drop dead. That was the catalyst for it all. 

Before, they always felt like they still had time, but they never noticed how quick it was running out for them. Their rebellion was still only really them, the help they had were only loose connections to other rebel groups and people who supplied them with the stuff they needed to survive. Now, with the Empire to call his own and his scythe more ready to tear into action and squishy flesh than ever, there was nothing stopping Kayn from taking Sona for his own. He was growing in power immensely, and everyone knew this had to end  _ now.  _ It would, one way or another. 

They'd be fighting this fight alone, and Jinx still wanted the kill, more than ever. But she saw how Sona looked at Yasuo. Like she knew more than she did. And she did. Of course she did, she always  _ knew stuff _ . As long as she didn’t-   
Jinx swallowed hard before patting Sona's back one last time. She couldn’t bring herself to turn around to say goodbye as she followed Yasuo and Malphite onto the sandy and rocky planet they’d challenge Kayn on in just a little bit from now.

(At least in her dreams she could give him some lasting impressions if she’d brushed too lightly through his mind in the waking world.)


	7. let's dance

“Permission to go ham granted, Captain?”  
“Granted.”

And with that, Jinx sprinted across the wide and dirty areal, Yasuo and Malphite somewhere behind her, dust clouds following and eyes fixed on Kayn floating above ground a few feet away from her. Trusty Fishbones hoisted up on her shoulder, she needed to get close enough to get a clear shot, because she was going to win and he was going to die. 

She’d aimed at his feet and just past his head several times before, always followed by a taunt, but now she wasn’t playing anymore. It was all for show, they both knew she was a better shot than that and could have hit him if she had seriously tried to do so. 

The Emperor was already injured, it was obvious in the way he held his sides and his scythe trembled in his hands. His disgustingly manic and self-absorbed laugh echoed in her head and it felt like her chest was breaking up. No, put it in a pocket. Don’t go to the beach, girl.  
Stupid Jinx. Stupid, stupid, stupid Jinx.  
If she wanted to get back at him, she had to do it now, before Yasuo swooped in and claimed their whole damn victory. And so she was, getting closer by the second, everything slow motion like a movie, yet so, so fast.   
“Let’s dance, dreamboat!”, she yelled in his direction with a wide, toothy grin and brought the rocket launcher into position. Boom-

Then, his bloody body on the ground, blown to pieces. Not Yasuo, her. All spread out in cruel detail, and then some stupid, stupid rock hit her in the head mid-run and she fell to the ground at his feet with a loud, frustrated grunt, Fishbones flying out of her hands, several feet away, no dead Emperor on the ground, all a victory pre-emptively claimed. The world spun around her, tears welling up in her eyes as she held her head and felt blood running through her fingers. She didn’t know what had actually hit her, for a moment she forgot her own name. All she saw was yellow-brown dirt and rocks and blurry colors and all she felt was a searing pain everywhere and the wind hissing insults all around her.  
She didn’t even know the planet’s name. Might as well call it Fuckkaynville. Fuck.   
Fuck. The fall knocked the breath out of her body and she grabbed around for Fishbones, or any of her guns at that matter, near panic and childishly embarrassed, but Kayn was on the ground as well now, anyway. Jinx only saw a flurry of bodies, her lovely Captain had come to save the day. 

Thank fuck it was him. But it was him. Of course it was Yasuo. It was always meant to be him. Stupid, stupid, stupid, silly Jinx.  
Unable to get back up, the girl rolled around, trying to get out of the danger zone where she could get another limb cut off. She felt Malphite running towards her, dragging at her body, but she squirmed in his grip and shoved him away.  
She kept her eyes on the fighting men, blocking out all the noise that wasn’t the incredible ringing in her ears. All there was to see was pure carnage, everything was happening too fast for her to properly take in through the tears. Then she blinked once, and suddenly saw Yasuo’s sword sticking out of Kayn’s chest, his scythe knocked too far away to be of any use. Time stopped, the fight was over, the war was won. So quick. So sudden.

“KAYN!”, she called out without commanding her words to do so, in a high-pitched, thin voice that was too painfully hers and bursting with deep-red stars, then her hands reached out for him as he gurgled helplessly and life left his eyes. So quick. Too quick. He probably didn’t even hear her. I didn’t say bye.  
“Kayn…”, she breathed again, expression frozen in shock. She barely noticed Malphite stumbling away.

Yasuo’s head snapped over to her. He knew.   
Now he knew.  
Jinx tried to crawl away from him as he pulled his sword out of her secret ex-lover’s chest and walked over to her with the calm expression of someone who’d just been betrayed harder than ever before.   
“No, Yas, please-”, she muttered with wide eyes, as he loomed over her. She flinched away from him, turning her upper body around. A moment later, a hard object made contact with the back of her head, and black.


	8. intervention

Much to her surprise, Jinx woke to see another day. Her head didn’t feel right and she immediately grabbed at it before even opening her eyes, only feeling crusted blood and dirt in her hair. The motion was too quick, and it hurt. Her whole body hurt. She let out a pained whimper and shivered. It took her a moment to open her eyes, everything blurry, but then it adjusted. Once everything stopped moving, she internalized that she was on the Morning Star.  
Yasuo hadn’t left her behind on that stupid, tainted planet. Lucky her.

Shit. Now she had to say she was sorry, didn’t she? Not so lucky.

She was blinking right at him, Sona and Malphite weren’t to be seen. The headache made it hard for her to focus her eyes on him, but once she did, she grabbed hard at the cushions. Evidently he’d placed her on the couch, not her bed. That meant he wanted to talk to her.   
Jinx stared at him. He stared right back at the girl.

“Jinx”, he said simply. She said nothing.  
“Jinx.” Again. She blinked at him apologetically.  
“So it was him. Do you understand the kind of danger-”  
“I was there, wasn’t I?”, she snapped, teeth bared. She wasn’t a child. He sounded like her mom would sound like if she’d ever had a mom.  
She’d just made a mistake.  
A mistake, a mistake, a mistake. Everything felt like cotton. Everything felt like explosions. She could barely move. Yasuo sighed. Jinx didn’t like the twinkle in his eye, she didn’t understand it.

“... yes, you were. I- how do you feel?”   
“Like someone hit me over the head with my own rocket launcher.”   
She paused. He frowned. “Where is Fi-”  
“Your room, Jinx. We brought him. That should be the least of your worries, you know.”  
“Malphie?”  
“Resting.”  
Jinx nodded, dazed.   
“....Sona?”  
“Alive and well.”   
Jinx gulped, feeling relief deep inside her, even though she’d obviously known the outcome. Yasuo opened his mouth again, but the coldness she felt between them was too loud for her to bear any further words. Something hot and harsh and black like tar was bubbling up in her throat and she didn’t want to be around him when it broke out. She didn’t want to be around anyone, really, she wasn’t being herself and she hated it. Why’d she have to start feeling things now?

“I gotta go”, she interrupted him quickly and jumped up, almost losing her balance in the process. Before she could fall, she staggered around into the vague direction of her room, but hit her knee on the table. Yasuo followed suit and grabbed her arm, more gently than she expected him too. He kept her from stumbling anymore, and she nearly flashed him a thankful smile, but it came out as a pained, ugly grimace. Instead of displaying any rational thought, she tried to shake him off.

“Icanstandonmyown-”, she breathed out, holding on to her head.  
“I know you can.” He squeezed her arm (a flash of someone else squeezing her arms, music only she could hear in the distance, tongues intertwined, a realization she had kept hidden deep, deep down until now, and - Oh, no. Oh no.). She twitched a little, and shook him off, taking a few steps. He exhaled audibly.  
“Jinx, we need to talk about this. We’re your friends - we care - I care about you, a lot-”  
She froze, she understood suddenly, and she didn’t dare look at him.  
“Oh, Yas”, she said softly, thinly. “Don’t, don’t.”  
Then she stormed off into her room, her whole body suddenly numb to all sensation and emotion except the urge to scream, and scream she did.

The second she slammed and locked the door behind her, she opened her mouth and all that came out was a guttural scream. Her knees gave out and she curled up with her back pressed against the door, hot tears streaming down her face. In a desperate motion, she kicked off her shoes and socks and then threw them into a random corner with all energy she had left. She didn’t care to look up and check what fell off the shelves on the wall, but it most definitely was broken now. She didn’t care. She didn’t care. Never did. About no one.   
No one but herself.  
No deep-red feelings inside her, none, never.


	9. entertainment

Her nap didn’t last long and her headache was worse. The clock on her wall taunted her by saying it was only a few minutes that she’d managed to black out for. As punishment, she smashed it to the floor. But that wasn’t enough, Jinx decided.

First, she threw her lamp against the wall with a loud yell and it shattered into what looked like a thousand pieces. The glass shards scattered all over the floor, but she didn’t care if they cut into her bare feet. She huffed hard, ripping the glow-in-the-dark model of the galaxy that always helped her fall asleep off the ceiling. With vicious movements, she tore off every planet and star one by one, biting into them and tearing the material apart until she couldn’t tell which was which anymore. Then she threw it to the ground and stomped on it.

Next to go were the figurines that hadn’t fallen off the shelves by themselves yet, some expensive and actually bought with  _ money, _ arms and legs to be torn off and strewn all about. Her teeth ripped through her pillow, she tore pages out of her comics and the shitty romance novels she’d ‘borrowed’ from Yasuo. Her posters ended up as shreds, and her chair nearly left a dent in the door. All along, she couldn’t stop screaming and sobbing, everything inside her burning and hurting. If she had a soul and heart, she despised them both for showing themselves at this very, very strange time in her life. Nothing was safe from her, and everyone could hear her. No one came to knock and it was better that way; better not to get caught up in a storm. Jinx had guns.

Eventually, when nothing else was left, she ripped her diary out from under her mattress. Jinx stared at it for a moment, hesitating. Reluctantly, she opened it. The first few pages had been started before her mining gig, then a long while of nothing. Then a lot of doodles. Of Malphite. Guns, explosions. Everything she had ever done or thought of was in here, written in untidy scribblings, but extensively and passionately illustrated. A lots of the early pages were her describing whacky adventures she made the big guy go on with her after she’d decided they were best friends. They  _ were _ best friends, still. Right? The memory made her smile, and the fact that she smiled made her cry again. Jinx noticed she’d stopped screaming for a moment. She kept looking through it and smiling tiredly, until she reached the pages after she had been recruited to join Yasuo’s crew. Her fingers trembled. 

Because, of course, then she came upon the pages where she had started talking about Kayn.  _ Dreamboat. _ Little doodles with hearts and their initials. Tally lists of times she’d came to his ship (even without counting she knew she’d stopped keeping it up to date after the first few times). Complaints about Yasuo. Little notes that she’d obviously kill him eventually.    
No mention of -

Loose, unsent love letters, most trailing off in thought eventually, some fallen asleep and drooled on, others sealed with lipstick kisses. In a reignited fit of rage, she tore out the page the book was open on. Then, her hands kept flying at the pages no matter how hard she told herself to stop, tearing and pulling, screaming again until only the covered-in-worn-stickers cover pages remained.

She breathed hard, hunched over.    
After she realized what she’d done, staring at her diary’s mutilated corpse, she broke out in more hysterical cries, dropping down onto her bed where Fishbones had laid quietly. She hugged him close to her, screaming directly into his air, and he stayed quiet. No “I told you so”. Just quiet companionship. All she wanted. All she needed. Only her heartbeat and irregular sobs. Lying there, she could stare directly into the tiny camera Kayn had given her ages ago, so he could check in on her every once in a while (“How do I know yer not gonna blow up my ship?” “Suppose you’ll just have to trust me, hm?”). She decided to spare it. She was too tired.

Eventually, her tears subsided and she opened her eyes again, blinking unbelieving yet incredibly aware. Her headache must’ve gotten so bad that it canceled itself out. One way or another, she didn’t feel it anymore.

By the end of it, looking around at the carnage with a throat so raw she tasted iron on her tongue, she noticed one of the only things that had remained miraculously unharmed was a ship-in-the-bottle model Malphite had made for her 21st birthday (the one you visited  _ him _ on, idiot). Broken shards, fabric, plastic, and paper was all she’d left herself with. Her feet had left bloody footprints everywhere she’d gone. A little bit of mayhem. All over, all over.

She wiped the last tears and snot off her face and swallowed a bit of blood, sore.


	10. interlude 3

Jinx had no idea how long she’d been throwing the tantrum, but she found herself back in the lobby room eventually. Yasuo was still there, exuding a slightly annoyed aura, reading something, but he did not even look up. He was keeping his calm. Nothing phased this guy, watch, not even her poofy eyes. She stood uncomfortably still in the doorway for a while, shifting her weight from one leg to the other for a bit, until the silence became unbearably awkward. He never looked up. 

“How long was I out”, she asked dryly. It hurt to speak.

“Few hours. Half a day with your-...”, came the response.

Jinx simply nodded.

“What did you do with his body.”

“Left him there. I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t stop you.”

She nodded again, and turned around.

“Should’ve left you there, too.”

She froze for a moment, nodded once more, and then continued to her travel capsule. 

She was going back for him. She had to. She just did. She didn’t care what any of her crew said, especially not Yasuo.   
It was important to her. 

He had to understand that, right? All of them.


	11. my love's like a funeral

Again, Jinx was sprinting across the dirty and rocky terrain of the planet which she still didn’t know the real name of but ended up baptizing End Of A World because it felt fitting. This time, she made sure no straying flying debris hit her in the skull. Her hair was still crusted up from the last round. Still, she was in a rush, and the second she saw Kayn’s body, she rushed even harder. 

Vultures had already found him, 

“Leave!” - shot -  _ “Him! _ ” - shot -  **_“Alone!”_ ** \- shot, shot, shot. The ones she hadn’t hit because she wasn’t exactly aiming well while moving hissed and cawed at her, but as she got closer, they too feared her rage and her bullets and flew off. She hastily dragged them off and far away from his body, and then as she finally stood next to him panting, her knees gave in and she dropped to the ground.   
“Hey. Hey. I’m here. I’m staying, I’m here, I…”

She was rambling, but she stopped herself quickly. Instead, she took a really good look at him. Quietly. Her eyes, green, big and round. 

She didn’t know what she had expected. Had she really thought that maybe he’d come back? That he’d be waiting?   
Really, she wasn’t sure. She hadn’t thought about it.    
He… looked fresh. If you left out blood stained clothes and giant stab wound on his chest, and the vultures’ impact, he could almost look like he was just sleeping (stop it, Jinx, you’re not a child, he’s looking  _ grizzly _ , you’ve just seen worse). She put a hand down on his cheek. He was cold. It made her shiver all over. People felt nicer when they had blood flowing through them. The people she liked, at least. Jinx had no real idea of how fast decomposition worked, she never stuck around for that long, it wasn’t something she  _ usually _ cared about, but… apart from the wounds, his expression and the crystallized Ora pieces that were sticking out of him now, and yeah, he had been lying unprotected in harsh environments, but outside that, he  _ did _ look like he’d just fallen asleep. Maybe his excessive augments worked preserving. She didn’t know. A while ago she would have called this gross, but it wasn’t. Not to her. Not him.

She let her robotic hand hover above one of the ores sticking out of his arm, then she touched it carefully with her pointer finger. It sizzled a little, but nothing else happened, so she used her human arm to pull one out. A tiny one. It tingled slightly in her hand, and she held it close to her chest before stuffing it securely into her jacket’s left pocket. She’d keep it. It felt warm, and she reckoned it would stay that way for quite a bit.

“... I can’t let you lie here. It’s why I came, yeah? I brought a shovel. Don’t ya worry, dreamboat.” Jinx closed his eye carefully, the one that wasn’t damaged by the half-ripped out ora augment. Better already.    
She got back on her feet and moved to grab Fishbones, removing the shovel she’d strapped to him. The ground around them was too hard and sturdy to dig a hole on her own, so she walked away a few steps, and aimed Fishbones at it. After all the dust had settled, there was a crater in the ground that she could work with, and after a while of silent shoveling, she finally ended up with something the tall man could fit in. It wasn’t very deep, but it was better than nothing. It’d protect him. It took almost all of her willpower and strength to grab him under the arms and drag him into there, but eventually she got him in there, and eventually, she got him covered again, too. 

After she finished, Jinx sat down in front of the makeshift grave she’d crafted for him as carefully as she was able to, the shovel thrown a few feet away. There’d been no flowers around to pick, so none were offered. She sat Fishbones on her lap, holding him so that he could easily join in the conversation. The girl cleared her throat like she was about to hold a speech. In a way, she was.

“Hey, dreamboat”, she mumbled quietly. “Say hi, Fishbones.”

_ “Hello, Emperor, how very nice to see you.” _

_ “ _ Thank you, Fishbones. I, uh, brought you something.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a pillow case. It was filled with pens, countless change, a shirt or two.

“It’s… your stuff. Though I couldn’t find your scythe anywhere. Suppose it’d be bad for me anyway.” A stifled giggle as she reached forward to lay it on top of the grave. 

“It’s not much, but… figured you’d might want it back, you see. And, there’s, there’s something else actually. Hold on a sec’.”

Her hands were shaky as she put it back into her bag and rummaged around. After a moment, she pulled back out a tiny, but intricate looking gun. She waved it around a little, and then laid it next the pillow case. It wasn’t one she used much in combat, but it was one of her favorites, because she’d made it herself and because it was so pretty.

“.... remember when I showed you this one? I thought… maybe you’d like something from me, too. You...”

Her voice broke. She wiped at her eyes. Her fingers ended up wet.

Jinx cleared her throat again. She looked to the left, then to the right, then she looked at her rocket launcher and made it talk.

“Fishbones, do you have anything to say to him?”

_ “... you made her happy.” _ _   
_ “Oh, shut it, Fishbones.” She paused for a moment. Then, quietly: “You did.”

She sighed and for a moment, she just sat and stared at the monument of stones she’d built so there’d be at least some kind of marker, then at the offerings she’d left him. For a little bit, all she heard was her heartbeat and the howling wind of this planet. Everything she’d wanted to say was gone.

“Good night, dreamboat. Good night, Fishbones.”  _ “Good night.” _   
Then, after hesitating for a moment, instead of getting up, she curled up in the dirt next to him, hand resting tightly on the piece of ora above her heart.


	12. end of a story

When she returned in the early morning hours, she thought the Morning Star crew would’ve moved housing without telling her. Instead, she found them at the breakfast table, a plate saved for her. Quietly, she sat down next to them. She couldn’t bring herself to eat anything, she wouldn’t be able to for more than a week, so she just at there avoiding eye contact and hugging her knees to her chest - but after the others had finished, they all hugged in simple silence, and it was a bigger apology anyone could’ve offered that soon with any spoken word.

In the end, they did understand.


End file.
